Headlines

The 7 People You’ll Meet Doing a Group Project

The Scars to Your Beautiful: An Open Letter to the Caterpillar That Stung Me When I Stepped On it But Lived to Fight Another Day

President Fitts Completely Ready To Be Easter Bunny Should Anyone Ask Him

T-Pain Confused by Lizards

The 7 People You’ll Meet Doing a Group Project

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Finals season is just around the corner, and with it comes everybody’s favorite exercise in communal suffering – you guessed it, group projects! The scent of late nights and last-minute 2 letter grade drops is wafting through the air. The worst part of it is that none of this is your fault! Here are the enemies you’ll meet along the way:

  1. Delta Iota Xanax and her acid tripping boyfriend

You aren’t sure how the professor let them be in a group together, but he did, and it’s majorly cramping your style. How are you supposed to execute your lovingly made Prezzy to perfection when Andrea Adderall hasn’t slept in four days and LSD Larry has spent the last twenty minutes in the corner staring at his foot?

  1. That freshman who makes up more work

Let’s face it – you didn’t read the directions until this very moment and you just trusted that the over-eager freshman knew what you were supposed to be doing. But now that you’ve dug your syllabus out from underneath your trashcan full of novelty Mardi Gras beads you realize that there was no need to make that life-size diorama of Karl Marx’s laundry room, and that you probably won’t get any extra points by performing a full-length rock opera about the struggles of the Proletariat.

  1. That guy who won’t stop posting in the group chat four months later

It’s summer and you’ve forgotten everything there is to forget about Sociology 3050 when suddenly the facebook group chat from your project on divorce rates in Finland lights up. “Guys there’s a dead possum on my driveway what should I do with it? Does anyone want it?” He makes sure to add thirteen pictures of the dead possum from various angles for maximum effect.

  1. The football player who’s really into music

…or at least, that’s what you thought at first, but at the last meeting you noticed his earbuds aren’t plugged into anything and he’s just been ignoring you this whole time!

  1. The girl who can never find the group

You know the one. The whole group is waiting in the library and she’s wandering the halls of Tilton Memorial looking for you. “Wait so are you in Pocket Park?” Nobody wants to respond, though – she’s got an Android and she’s making the group chat green. Honestly, the definition of self-centered and inconsiderate!

  1. The minor Tulane celebrity

Maybe they ran for USG president and lost. Maybe they post in your graduating class’ facebook group twelve times a day. Or maybe they just punched Riptide the pelican right in the beak. Either way, you know who they are and they’ve never heard of you and you can tell people about that time you did a group project analyzing the black cat in Manet’s Olympia at parties for at least two years.

  1. Skittles the service dog

He must have an owner but you don’t really care. You won’t get any work done but you’ll have a really cute snap story this whole week.

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admin @ April 21, 2017

The Scars to Your Beautiful: An Open Letter to the Caterpillar That Stung Me When I Stepped On it But Lived to Fight Another Day

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You don’t know me. You never will. And yet, as your tiny gross body wriggled underneath my foot, I came to realize that we all are just passengers on the same train. The train of life. You may be just a fuzzy worm, and I may be just a communications major with a fourth grader’s ability to use a computer young journalist,  yet the day we met remains etched in my mind like an etched message in an etch-a-sketch. Your bravery was palpable, and although the pain I felt following your sting could only really be described in seven “Parks and Recs” GIFS (www.theodyssey.com/being-stung-by-a-caterpillar-as-told-by-parks-and-recs) I am thankful for it.

That’s right. I’m Thankful for My Caterpillar Sting, and That’s Okay. The day we crossed paths was a regular Thursday. I had decided to have a “Me day”  like everyday, and walked to the park to look at “Animal Farm” on a bench. I slipped off my Birks, buried my toes in the grass like a hobo, and was suddenly shocked by a shock. What followed that surprising sting was several stages of pain (Namely fifteen of them, as best described by Lorelai Gilmore) and I immediately searched the ground for the culprit. I found you. There you were, my precious poisonous pal (this literary tactic is called alliteration). I watched you struggle, then crawl away, your creepy body slowly slinking away. At that moment, I felt something different. (From before, not in general): Pride. You fought that day, caterpillar. And that’s more than a lot of us can say for ourselves. But it is all that I can say now that I have completed this two hundred word limit.

 

 

admin @ April 19, 2017

President Fitts Completely Ready To Be Easter Bunny Should Anyone Ask Him

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This weekend, the 15th president of Tulane University is hoping to hop into a new role: Easter Bunny. In the Good Friday View from Gibson, Fitts said he is, “Completely prepared to be the Easter bunny at any gatherings or events being held this weekend, or whenever really,” should those needs arise in the Tulane community or beyond.

According to his assistant, Kelly R. Rabbith, this is actually progress for the weepy leader. “Year after year he was told that he ‘didn’t have the charm’ to play Santa, so it’s good that he’s finally lowering the bar a little,” said Rabbith while lint rolling her entire body to remove the Easter grass littering Gibson from her person. “While many Tulane students spent the end of this week zipping their suitcases for flights home, Fitts was busy zipping himself into the bunny suit sewn for him by his mother when he was but a student himself.”

Fitts’ mother has since passed, but the Vignette was able to reach his cool older brother, Nichael Fitts. “He’s such a dweeb. There’s no way he can pull this off! Have you seen him try to hop? He just does t-rex hands while scrunching his body and then standing up straight. He rarely leaves the ground- maximum a quarter-inch of air. And no, I don’t go by Nike for short.”  

At press time, there were no leads on any opportunity for Fitts to act as the symbol of springtime renewal and hand out small chocolates to children, but he remained hopeful. “I just want to be part of the fun,” Fitts sniffled. “If someone needs a bunny to stir the pot for hours on end at a crawfish boil or sort through eggs because they forgot which ones are raw, I can do that. My mom always said, ‘There’s nothing that this wittle wabbit can’t do.’”  

Tulane president Mike Fitts is currently accepting any and all offers to play this Sunday’s token role and help New Orleans’ spring dreams come true. With a little added material and a boost of confidence from Tulane’s administrative staff, the president is ready to roll.  Easter egg roll, that is!* In the meantime, he has been patiently weeping in his office, making the headpiece of the costume very, very damp.

 

fitts easter bunny

 

Interested community members are being asked to contact Fitts or his staff members via email, phone call, or “really any other way you can think of” if they’d like to hire the president as a bunny. They’d like to remind any interested parties that the president is really just absolutely ready to do this for you, and he wants to make that very clear. All you have to do is ask.  Really. No charge.  Please. He says he won’t take the suit off till someone hires him. He’s starting to cry again.  Please.

*The author would like to clarify that this is simply a figure of speech.  The idea of Mike Fitts’ involvement in any organized Easter Egg Roll, specifically the famed event at the White House, is certainly a ridiculous reach.  Sorry for any confusion. Happy Easter to you all!

admin @ April 14, 2017

T-Pain Confused by Lizards

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This Thursday, April 6, TUCP sponsored a concert by an artist who has never voiced a cartoon. T-Pain’s much anticipated performance filled the student body with nostalgia for the seventh grade, minus the puberty. The Vignette was lucky enough to chat with the chart-topping musician upon his arrival to campus despite being asked to “please come back at a later time” and “how did you even get in here?”

Mr. Pain expressed an overwhelmingly positive impression of the institution, but was immediately confused by a notable presence on campus.

“What’s up with all these fucking limbed snakes?” he asked sternly, politely refusing the Shakshuka provided by TUCP. “I’m serious,” he continued, “Those tiny wiggling-ass dinos, what is going on with those?”

The creator of Booty Wurk was visibly alarmed, and remained agitated despite the earnest efforts of TUCP members to console him with free cups and Crawfest 2013 swag.

The Nevada native’s preoccupation with “Those creepy earth birds,” followed him from the green room into his set, which he interrupted at several points, with such remarks as, “They’re like turtles, but without homes?!” and “Where do all these green skittery wigglers come from?”

Despite these interruptions, the concert has received generally positive reviews. For some, seeing this previously unknown side of the artist featured in the Lonely Island’s I’m On A Boat even enhanced the performance.

“It was almost humbling to think that as this wildly successful musician, clearly at the peak performance of his career, graced our presence with the sounds of “Bartender” he was surrounded by thousands of spooky little lizards,” reflected Rafael Squam, a T-Pain fanatic,  “Not all heroes wear capes. But my hero doesn’t know what a lizard is.”

 

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admin @ April 7, 2017

Intern Ship to Set Sail This Summer

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Earlier today, Capitalist Caribbean announced the official travel dates for its newest cruise ship, Synergy of the Sea, a vessel designed specifically for travellers who delight in the drudgery of menial labor without financial compensation. The ship is set to depart June 1st and will carry hundreds of eagerly unpaid worker bees on an aimless odyssey through the oceans and and job fairs of the world.

Spots on the ship are reportedly very competitive, as Jeffrey Santiago, a hopeful applicant, told Vignette reporters.

“This is my dream intern ship. I’ve been on my fair share of trainee dinghies and apprentice schooners, but the Synergy of the Sea is a miracle of nautical ingenuity. I hear its motor runs on coffee and its hull is reinforced with only the strongest cover letters.”

The ship is maintained entirely by the interns, and sources report that 2/3 of the crew are directly involved in the coffee retrieval field.  

“Yeah, the demand for coffee fetchers is booming right now,” said Layla Kaylin, a coffee specialist who served on board the Relevant Experience of the Sea last year. “My official title was Coffee Underling, but this year I’m hoping to work my way up to Coffee Schlepper.”

Activities on the Synergy of the Sea include a corporate ladder climbing wall, organizing the BINGO (short for binder cargo), and plain old just sitting around.

Anderson Zaloni, a devout worker who interned aboard Busywork of the Sea for 15 summers in a row, described other amenities.

“The rollercoaster is insane,” said an exuberant Zaloni. “It’s called the ‘Intern Experience’ and it’s such an exhilarating, educational ride. It even loops around and brings you right back to where you started.”

Though he has never set foot on an intern ship, Rick Ameroli, an industry insider, is a huge proponent of the ever-growing fleet.

“The system is ingenuous. We lure all these gullible saps out here with the promise of a better resume, but out here at sea, they’re at Poseidon’s mercy. The ships don’t have life jackets because in real the world, when you’re drowning in responsibilities, flail around all you want, but you won’t find any damn floaties. Only thing on their side out there is human reef sources, and that’s not even real, it’s just a thing I made up.”

Executives at Capitalist Caribbean have high hopes for the voyage, despite a sketchy track record. The last intern ship, We Regret to Inform You of the Sea, famous for its transparent hull, infamously capsized years ago when some overly ambitious fish smashed through the glass ceiling. None of the lifeboats were deployed and all lives were tragically lost, as none of the onboard interns wanted to make a bad impression by leaving first.  

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admin @ April 4, 2017

8 Spring Break Options for When Daddy’s on a Budget

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Oh no! Spring break is fast approaching, but your third house in Tuscany fell into a sinkhole last month so money’s been tight recently. Never fear! There are plenty of great places to visit even when you have to watch your spending.

  1. Your fourth house in the Swiss Alps. Your snowy instas are sure to stand out!
  2. Did you know there are public Greek islands? Instead of owning or renting the entire land mass, you just buy or rent a mansion. Not as spacious, but just as gorgeous!
  3. Mars is obviously the next big thing, but help daddy out by taking a trip to the moon instead. It’s quaint!
  4. Try a stay-cation and hire an up-and-coming private chef to prepare all your meals. We suggest a runner-up from The Food Network’s hit series Chopped. Gordon Ramsay comes at a steep price, that British bastard.
  5. Instead of renting a whole Virgin Island, try staying on just the tip. It still counts!
  6. Vacation in Bordeaux, the second best city in France
  7. Vacation in Nice, the third best city in France
  8. To save some money on a family vacation, only take one private plane. Time will fly by as you show daddy all of the improvements you’ve made since you got it, like the crystal detailing on the curtains and jacuzzi in the bathroom. He’ll be so happy to see his money well spent.

 

admin @ March 21, 2017

Incessant Flirting in Class Neither Disruptive Nor Disgusting

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Life is anything but still in Woldenberg as a pair of passionate art students are making marks on and off the drawing pad in ARST-1050 Beginning Drawing I.

“The first few classes, I was mostly concerned for her health. I’ve never seen someone throw their head back giggling that many times in a minute. Sometimes she just looks like one of those wacky wavy inflatable flailing arm tube men. But lately, I’m more concerned for the rest of us,” reported Junior Rebecca Stevens, who is just trying to fulfill her fine art requirement.

“I’ve had the misfortune of sitting between them for the entire 3-hour class several times,” said freshman Lucas Jones. “I didn’t know he was that funny but she fell over laughing today so I guess she understands comedy. I ended up with a slight concussion, but she was fine.”

“When we were supposed to be drawing trees she drew him naked instead,” added a visibly nauseated sophomore Brian Fitzpatrick.

In a stunning feat of investigative reporting, a Vignette contributor was able to infiltrate the class for a full three and a half minutes. During that time, the contributor witnessed the male subject licking the female subject’s ear, while the female subject spent forty-five seconds humping the male subject’s leg.

“Yeah, I notice it,” said the professor, Lawrence Jeremiah Williamson, when approached. “It’s kind of hard not to.” Has he ever tried to put a stop to it? “I moved them to opposite sides of the room but they just started doing mating calls and strip teases on top of the desks to get each other’s attention. It was starting to get distracting for the other students.”

Next week the class will be drawing still lifes of bowls of fruit. What will the flirters do with this activity?

“I don’t know, but keep them away from the bananas,” said Stevens.

 

Rose

admin @ March 14, 2017

11 Ways to Stop Slipping Into Your Uber Driver’s Accent

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It’s 9:13 on a Friday night. You’re leaving a happy hour where you consumed a 1:1 ratio of nachos and margs and it’s time to roll out to your next destination. Just when your friend Becky is about to launch into a diatribe about her ex-thing Fred, your Uber rolls up, a beacon in the night. You tumble into the back seat and Sergei offers you a water, and a mystery: Where is that accent from? How can you show Sergei, your knight in 5-star armor, your sweet, gentle driver, how much he means to you? You haven’t even made it through the first red light when it happens: you start to ask sweet Sergei how long he’s been driving for Uber in a butchered imitation of his own accent. You fucked up.

 

Rewind. Before you let your fuck up of a self ruin one more intrapersonal relationship, albeit with an Uber driver you will never see again, try one of these helpful tips to stop yourself from slipping into your Uber driver’s accent.

 

  1. Shove five of those tiny water bottles straight into your pie-hole.
  2. Overcompensate by talking about how Benjamin Franklin invented the bifocals.
  3. Take the time to perform as much of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” as you remember from when you had to recite it in front of your English class in 10th grade.
  4. Politely avoid conversation entirely by asking them to “Keep to your fucking self, please, Andrei.”
  5. Answer his question, “Any big plans for the weekend?” by rolling your window down, sticking your head out, and panting like your neighbor’s dog Annie.
  6. Answer his question, “Any big plans for the weekend?” by rolling your window down, sticking your head out, and saying “ Can’t you just feel the life running through you?”
  7. Play your voicemails out loud.
  8. Just start yelling, “LOVE TRUMPS HATE!”
  9. Ask for the aux and play the audiobook of The Blind Side by John Lee Hancock.
  10. Stick your phone in your mouth.
  11. Ask them, “So, do you like the flexibility of the hours?” and they’ll monologue for a while.Screen Shot 2017-03-10 at 11.26.18 AM

admin @ March 10, 2017

Mardi Gras Rando Still Trailing Two Feet Behind Group

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Mardi Gras has officially been over for a full week, but it has left many Tulane students with a lot of unanswered questions and questionable answers. The most peculiar of them all was brought to The Vignette by junior Kenny Davis, who reported that he and his friends are still being followed by a Mardi Gras Rando.

 

Kenny first encountered The Rando at Muses. Nearly 20 floats had passed before the group realized that they had all assumed he belonged to someone else, when, in fact, no one knew him. “He was wearing this green Mardi Gras shirt that I thought I saw one of Matt’s friends wearing, so I figured it was that guy,” said Kevin, still perplexed by the striking similarity between the festive shirts.

 

Despite persistently telling The Rando “Yeah, we’re gonna head back now,” and even going so far as to claim they were attending class the next day in an effort to ditch him, The Rando followed Kenny’s group back to campus at the conclusion of the parade. The Rando’s only responses were “I’m up for whatever” and “No yeah this is totally fine.”

 

“We still don’t know his name,” confessed Luke. “On Lundi Gras, I thought we might finally get rid of him. We were by the Rite Aid and he ran into someone he knew, but he just said hi and then kept following us. I think they called him Nate, but they also might have been saying mate because they sounded kind of Australian.”

 

In the past week, The Rando has made several appearances in Kenny’s Spanish class, catching his quizzes his professor throws back to him while shouting, “Throw me somethin’ Señora!” The Rando was later seen waiting for Kenny outside the bathroom in between classes, offering Purel from the fanny pack he was still wearing. He has also reportedly suggested to Kenny’s group that they all go to the nearest Rally’s or McDonald’s for every single meal every day since Muses.

 

When asked for comment about the week post-Mardi Gras, all The Rando could mutter was “What yeah no, this is totally fun. I’m good with anything.” The Rando plans to continue to be a leech that awkwardly sucks the fun out of Kenny’s friends’ weekend and is “totally down” to hit up Bethesda, MD with Kenny over spring break.

 

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admin @ March 7, 2017

Krewe du TU to Cover Uptown in Privilege, Regret

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The “Las Vegas of time periods”, Mardi Gras is the favorite time of year for many Tulane students and NOLA residents alike. With social order turned on its head, you can do literally anything (except touch a horse) with no social or legal repercussion. Mardi Gras allows the upstanding and righteous leaders of Tulane University to loosen their ties, wipe away their tears and shimmy for some beads. This year, Tulane will host its very own Krewe Du TU parade to showcase the alcoholic debauchery we really stand for.

We asked Dean Mac”Daddy”Laren to explain the rich symbolism in Krewe Du TU. He described a “theme of ‘Tulane through the Decades’, the parade celebrates the school’s rich history of rich white men: from Paul Tulane (New Jersey’s most wanting-a-college-named-after-him man) to Jerry Springer, Newt Gingrich and the least relevant Bush brother (Neil!).”

Krewe Du TU’s headlining float features the uprooted Mardi Gras tree encapsulated in a bubble that no institutionalized racism, socioeconomic disparities, or Loyola students can penetrate. Atop the tree sits parade King Michael “Like Mike” Fitts who throws bananas, “Only at Krewe Du TU, Only in Uptown (because New Orleans is scary)” necklaces, and white privilege. 

Many students are eagerly awaiting the parade, already staking out spots on the route. Sophomore Jennifer Garbler will be enjoying Krewe Du TU, as she told the Vignette: “Catch me on Ben’s weiner, the parade is supposed to go there too!”

 

The parade route is as follows:

  • Start at Gibson
  • Through the A-quad
  • Along McAlister then cut through bruff quad
  • Up Ben Weiner
  • Onto Claiborne
  • Check out Audubon Blvd real quick
  • Up broadway
  • (Throw up on stairs of Newcomb because doors are locked)
  • Lose half of parade at the Boot
  • To Snake and Jake’s, black out
  • Get a little lost in Carrolton neighborhood
  • Find way to Quills, leave because it’s weird
  • Up to St Charles
  • Stop at rite aid (remember u can’t buy alc w/ splash–bring cash!)
  • End up at Gibson
  • Draw funny faces on unconscious Mike Fitts

map

Notable floats

  • Newcomb/Liberal Arts Float
    • Throws A’s
    • Pulled by philosophy majors in need of work
    • Somehow flooding
  • Dining Services Float
    • Throws: scalding, loose red beans and rice, City Diner pancakes, Panera chai tea lattes
  • Walking Krewes
    • Mcalister skaters
    • Tour group that got lost
  • Art of Tulane Float
    • Moving replica of Ball statue balls colliding – represents the collision of art & practicality
    • Throws: Newcomb pottery 
  • Business School Float
    • Throws: vomit stained resumes, sticks to shove up asses
    • Stops on every block, gives elevator pitches to people on street

admin @ February 23, 2017