In a mid-term report published yesterday, March 5, PJ’s Coffee revealed that the most ordered drink at their shop was in fact direction to the nearest Starbucks.
“Oh well of course” began unsurprised New Jersey freshman Oliver Mist, after hearing about the new report. “I order that every time I go in. It’s just the right mix of frothy whip cream, vanilla bean flavor, and fuck you to the PJ’s staff. Plus, I get a great Starbucks trip out of it. It’s not that I dislike PJ’s, I just hate it and think its stupid.”
The PJ’s report stated that the second most ordered drink was a “Frappuccino”, the third was “what do you mean you don’t have Frappuccino’s, I thought this was a coffee shop?”, and the fourth was frozen hot chocolate.
“I don’t understand.” Stated perplexed PJ’s barista Antonio Roosevelt. “We have been around for a really long time. I don’t know how many times I have to explain that our sizes are small through large, I don’t know what a damn vente is. Really, it should be way easier, we are the ones using english.”
“People say that we are a southern, New Orleans chain” continued PJ’s Barista Roosevelt, “but I would really contest that uptown is our northeastern location.”
admin @ March 7, 2013
In a sad statement that rocked the public art world, the statue commonly known as “The Ball Statue” erected right outside of Norman Mayer hall, announced that it has been seeking treatment for advanced phase testicular cancer yesterday, March 4.
“I want to thank my friends for helping me through these difficult times” announced Ball Statue. “I want to thank especially Michael Grambling of the maintenance department for noticing a strange lump while power washing me before Mardi Gras.” Ball Statue continued: “seeing as I am a disembodied pair of testicles, I really don’t have any way to check myself regularly for testicular cancer. I don’t know where I would be if someone didn’t notice. Michael’s power washings are refreshing and strangely erotic, but they also saved my life.”
Ball Statue has been undergoing radiation at Tulane hospital since the growth was discovered. It is unclear whether doctors will have to resort to surgery.
“I feel bad for him,” said the Red Stairs to Nowhere statue, “his entire existence is pretty much ‘being a giant pair of metal testicles’ and now they’re saying that they might have to amputate half of him? That’s rough.”
Ball Statue reports that he is trying to stay in good spirits: “I would say that Lance Armstrong is an inspiration, but I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about me.” Ball Statue then clarified to the reporter that steroids are pointless because he is “nothing but a pair of balls, forged from metal.”
Student Government will be taking donations outside of the LBC to ease the cost of treatment and Bruff is expected to start a campaign similar to “Cookies for Breast Cancer” called “Ten Thousand Boudin Balls for Testicular Cancer.”
admin @ March 5, 2013
Yesterday, Sunday March 4th, after the second boil water advisory this year, students across the Tulane campus were seen pointing and whispering at the Kappa Sigma fraternity brothers in cautious suspicion.
“Now I’m not saying they did it, in fact I’m not saying anything at all,” said un-fooled sophomore Eric Krinkelson while rubbing his chin and squinting, in a suspicious manner, “But I’m not saying they didn’t either. All I’m saying is something is up here, something fishy…”
Kappa Sig, which has recently changed their secret handshake to a slap on the forehead followed by a shaking of their heads, comment on the increased wariness of the community around them.
“Contamination?” Kappa Sig Spokesperson Altoid Drummond questioned in a recent interview, “You guys can’t be serious, right? I mean what drugs would we even be able to contaminate the water supply wit— oh come on, that’s not even fair, that was like ONE TIME.”
“Wait, so are we not going to get the heat for this one?” Asked New Orleans city councilman Oscar DeLazio, “Because that would be great. Lets not focus on the fact that one of the most major cities in America has had their water supply contaminated twice in the past year. You know what, I’m going to stop talking.”
“Well, I guess I just kind of assume now…” Mentioned Krinkelson, “Oh and did I mention I saw a Kappa Sig brother at Bruff once? I didn’t NOT see him steal anything, so who knows.”
Krinkelson continued to speculate until he ended with “I mean, I assume the best way to poison a water supply is with newspaper ink…”
admin @ March 4, 2013
This past Friday, January, 18th, In a desperate attempt to seem like a desirable addition to any Tulane sorority, freshmen girls were sent into a panic trying to purchase appealing personality traits for Recruitment.
Freshman Rachel Adelstein recalls her experience preparing for rush. “I went to Forever 21 to go shopping, and I kept telling the store owner ‘I understand where you keep the dresses, but where can I find the friendly optimism trait I need in order to not spiral into a saddened state of depression while selling myself to a group of overly perky women who like to bake and judge me on my small talk skills?’ He was so unhelpful.”
Recent reports show increased searches on Craig’s List for crucial Rush-season qualities. “Friendliness,” “charm,” and “any speck of individuality,” top the list.
Realizing her disposition was “so totally lacking”, Rachel Adelstein went on a shopping spree. “Daddy’s paying all my dues already, so I just borrowed his credit card and bought myself some things I didn’t have but DESPERATELY needed for the week.”
Adelstein lists her purchases, “A sexy (not too sexy, I’m NOT a lesbian) dress for pref night, new heels, some intelligent anecdotes, charisma, and kindness!” She claims, “I kept all the tags on them. I’m gonna return them as soon as I get my bid, because otherwise they’d just sit in my closet and gather dust.”
When asked for comment, the owner of Forever 21 was unable to be reached for comment as the company is releasing their new perfume called “Oh my god, right?!?”
admin @ January 21, 2013
admin @ December 8, 2012
Yesterday, Friday, December 8, Tulane Vignette writer Purvis Short reportedly used The Tulane Vignette as a pickup line at a party, only to be instantly rejected within seconds of stating the line.
“It really went downhill fast,” Short reminisced on the situation, “I said my name, she said her name was Jessica, and then I immediately went for the, ‘so, you don’t happen to read the Tulane Vignette, do you?’ at that point she said yes and I thought I had it in the bag. Then I dropped the old line of, ‘you know, I write for that paper.’ From there the rejection was instant.”
Reports say that the laughter from Jessica Teber was so loud that the music stopped and all surrounding party members turned from their conversations.
“He thought that would make me sleep with him!” Jessica told reporters, giggling through the story as she told it, “The Tulane Vignette? The newspaper that had an entire article devoted to sexiling someone to masturbate alone? Psh, yeah, I want to sleep with that guy… definitely one of the better parts of my night. I mean, he couldn’t have even lied and said he wrote for the Hullabaloo? Weak.”
Despite the unfortunate turn of events, Short still has his chin up. “It’s ok, I’ve had worst. I put this right in between ‘You remember, the boil water advisory? My fault’ and ‘I have bowel issues.’”
admin @ December 8, 2012
Friday, December 7, Freshman girl Amy Berger found out the freshman fifteen she thought she had gained was actually just baby weight from her unknown pregnancy.
“I just had no idea,” said a stunned Berger, reliving the moment when she found out the news, “After gaining so much weight in my first four months here I really didn’t know what was causing it. I guess I feel relieved; at least I’m not just getting fat.”
After a particularly large meal at Bruff commons, Amy started to notice the added weight.
“My friend made a food baby joke,” said the still shocked Amy, “and I thought to myself- wait, is that possible? That’s when I took the test and found out the news. I had to tell A-dawg the news, he didn’t take the news quite as I had thought.”
A-dawg, the father of the unborn baby, was ecstatic about the upcoming pregnancy.
“Oh, thank god!” A-dawg told reporters this afternoon, “I thought I had just accidentally hooked up with a fat girl! You can’t imagine how comforted I am by this news. Maybe we can name the baby thunderdome, after my dorm room where he was conceived.”
Tulane officials report A-dawg being less happy when told that it was too late for plan b, and plans c through z weren’t “real things.”
When asked what she plans to do next Berger responded with a resounding, “I really don’t know. I feel like the most unlucky person ever. Well, not most unlucky, at least I didn’t get pregnant at Loyola.”
admin @ December 7, 2012
In probably the most unlucky thing to happen to him since hooking up with a guy at The Boot, freshman Andy Cesar found himself with the last time slot to sign up for classes yesterday, November 17th.
“This is ridiculous,” commented an obviously agitated Cesar, “I had my perfect schedule planned out. I was going to take Buddhism, Creative Writing, and Calculus at 3 P.M. It was my dream schedule.”
Unfortunately for Cesar, when all of his classes were booked the other options for his second semester became much more abstract.
“I don’t understand. The only class that was open for my noon timeslot is called ‘Into to Theory’. What the fuck does that even mean?! THEORY OF WHAT?”
Reports say Cesar began to grow angrier and angrier as he scrolled through the list of possible class options.
“I have to take a class on Roman Alchemy. There is no way that is relevant. Actually, screw relevance, there is no way the Romans used Alchemy. The only other way for me to get to 16 complete credit hours is if I take ‘Sexual Puppetry.’ Please Tulane, please, don’t make me take that class.”
“Hmmm oh, yeahhh its just an overall fun class,” commented Professor Silvius, the professor in charge of Sexual Puppetry, while consistently liking his lips to keep them moist. “Well you know it’s just, um, a great way to explore your own sexuality and learn a lot about the history and philosophy of it. Needless to say, I’m incredibly excited to have my first student… and such a strapping one as Cesar. Sometimes its just easier in puppet form…”
admin @ November 18, 2012
In a shocking turn of events last night, Tuesday, November 6, elected president Barack Obama turned out to be African American.
“Does that mean he was black the past four years as well?” asked bewildered student Austin Starpich, “I mean, who knew? That’s so strange… are you sure he was born in America? Not someplace like… I don’t know, Kenya? We should ask to see his birth certificate or something.”
Obama was elected last night for his second term of being African American, making him the first second black president…or the second first black presidents…or the first time second term first black president…WHATEVER he’s black, you get it.
“This is terrific news,” continued Starpich, “My once you go black you never go back joke is finally in style. I mean, do people know about this? This should really be big news. It looks like Kanye West needs a new excuse for hurricane Sandy.”
After discovering that Obama was African American today, the reporters at the Tulane Vignette asked Starpich if he knew what race Mitt Romney was. “Oh he’s, white… he is definitely white.”
admin @ November 7, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, national election day, the popular social networking website Facebook had to be quarantined from the greater public as college students everywhere broke into a terrible case of political and voting activism.
“It was terrible,” trembled Tulane freshman Nate Booker. “I logged onto Facebook, and instead of the normal funny cat pictures and complaining status’s on my homepage, everything was just yelling at me to vote, and who to vote for. It doesn’t even make sense, everyone at college already sent in their absentee ballot…”
The disease first showed up on the map late last night with Daniel Corey’s status of ‘Vegetables are important, eat your Barack-oli’ and from there the capital letters, terrible puns, and guilt ridden messages spread like wild-fire.
“There is no doubt it’s a viral disease,” Said medical expert Doctor Vicente Padilla, “The worry is that its going to spread from Facebook. Twitter will be the next step, and then who knows, maybe it could go offline. God damn, how annoying would that be?”
Picture uploads to facebook have also been at an all time high today, as thousands of people continue to put up photos of their filled out ballot, or selfies directly post voting.
“Its important that everyone know what voting is,” Said Alfred Stephans, a recently discovered political activist, and self proclaimed expert. “I put that burdon on myself. Anyways, how else could I possibly show that I like voting more than you?”
admin @ November 6, 2012